“Are You in a Toxic Relation-SHEEP?”

If you are reading this right now along with your significant other, I’d advice you to leave the room and make this an individual exercise. By the time you have gone through this you may be questioning every aspect of your partnership. You have been warned.

Dear anybody who is in a relationship, and is reading this right now. You are in a toxic relationship. Yes, TOXIC.

You got yourself into a relationship for one of the following reasons:

  1. You wanted somebody who could make you feel good about yourself
  2. You wanted to fill a void, you hate being alone
  3. Everyone around you was in a relationship,
  4. You’re a sex addict (you dirty dog you).

Whatever your reason my be, the reality of the situation is that you are in a relationship that is not built on a solid foundation, and I would know I’ve had much experience with the latter..

I already know what you’re thinking, “F*** YOU TINASHE, I’M IN LOVE”. And you know what I actually kind of believe you, you are in love.

You’re in love with the idea of being in love……..

After binge watching every movie under the Romantic Comedy section of Netflix’s you have now become a fool for romance…or maybe you’re just a Pisces.

Singles make Doubles

In almost all relationships it is two incomplete people trying to find completion in each other; hate to be the bearer of reality but when it comes to love it does not work that way. Unlike in logic, relationships have this thing where two halves do not in fact make a whole.

Those who take the time to become a whole person will be better suited to come together with another whole and created a synergistic relationship; simply because these two wholes can add to one another….I know, that’s a lot of wholes.

The well-developed single person does not seek a relationship to fill a void but instead to focus in on growth, and enjoy the connection that comes from intimacy. They are not seeking validation and a level of self-worth from the other party.

Certainty is a necessity in any healthy relationship, and often times we seek this certainty from our lover and intimate partners while seldom looking at ourselves as a source of comfort and confidence. In other words it is most likely that you are in a relationship because you feel it will bring you into your own wholeness,  when in fact there in one person who had the power to do that. Kanye West…or you.

There’s this school of though that says the more relationship’s you’ve been in the better you will become at creating a stable healthy partnership; tell that to the 5 time divorcees. The irony is in the reality that some of the people who end up in the best relationships are not those who have experienced may relationships, but those who have spent so much time getting to know themselves that they really do not need a relationship.

Follow the Follower:

I often use this scientifically proven, extremely accurate system to decipher who in a relationship is there for reasons either than the relationship. This same method can sometimes also be used to estimate the time between now and a breakup. Make sure you take notes.

(Scientifically Proven Method) – Go onto Instagram and pick any couple you know. Now go to each of their individual pages and see who is posting the most amount of relationship pictures. If one of them is posting a plethora of couple pics and the other has few to none,  then congratulations you have just figured out your first point of data entry. The one with a vast amount of relationship pictures is the one who is in the relationship for an ego boost, they are subconsciously showing the world that somebody wants them; this relationship will last for the next 5 or so months. If however both parties are posting a boatload of couple pics, then they might just be that annoying couple who you will unfollow within 5 or so months.

Remember this is a very complex method, and may take you  a few minutes to master, so just be patient with yourself ok?

This isn’t just pessimism disguised as insight, for I am a fool for love myself,  but from a subconscious standpoint the constant posting of couple pictures is a call for attention. When a couple begins to go outside of the relationship to either get attention, or validation it simply means there is trouble in the waters.

The healthiest relationships I’ve seen (all 6 of them) have been those that involved two people, and had very little influence from outside forces; nor did they seek the approval of the entire Insta’sphere.

As for the rest of the relationships,  well let’s just say they’re out on display for a reason; for the same reason that they were even formed. To fit in while feeding the ego.

Media and mainstream society often considers being single as the closest thing to hell. Just look at any headlines of celebrities who are in a relationship, it’s al smiles until they are once again single which at this point they are seen as sad and lonely.

Every other reality show is about a single man or woman who feels incomplete without love,  and so for 6 straight seasons they search for Mr. or Mrs. Right, Now.

When this mentality trickles down to us we internalized it, and begin to act out the social script. We end up rushing into relationships with people who we barely have chemistry with just so we aren’t the odd one out.

In my own life I’ve seem young ladies rush into engagements with men they would never consider having families with, due to the feelings of jealousy they receive after seeing their best friends get hitched . I swear it was like overnight they were all magically engaged. This phenomenon is not isolated nor anecdotal for it happens in middle school all the way to the senior citizen homes; ok maybe not old folks homes, their more into hookup’s, but still you get the point.

In 5th grade we are asked if we have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet, and by the time we are in high school we are seen as strange for not being in a relationship. This peer pressure is then carried into adulthood where many begin to marry for all the wrong reasons, the main one being a fear of the DREADED singleness. (que in suspense sound effect)

And if you still have any doubts, I would advice you to look at the divorce rates.

Do you Boo Boo:

The truth of the matter is we can almost always feel when something just isn’t right. We can tell when we aren’t fully invested in a relationship, and smell the toxicity leaking from it’s bowls. It is up to us to keep going along with the narrative we have religiously followed, or cut it off before it does more damage.

The greatest piece of relationship advice I was ever given came from a middle-aged woman who had been married for decades, but before that she had experienced many toxic relationships including a rough divorce. What she told me was to not get into a relationship with anybody else until I had a solid one with myself. And though this sounded like a euphemism for masturbation; it was actually a reference to personal growth.

In other words the more you know about yourself the more certain you can be about the type of person you want in your life; and the stronger your foundation is, the stronger the relationship would in turn be.

Relationships are not only created during the bond itself, but stem from the lives of two whole people who have chosen to come together and create something dynamic.

You’re young, you have time, even if your 86 years old you have time; how I know this..YOU’RE STILL HERE. If you feel as if you are not whole and could maybe find the rest of yourself through a relationship, DO NOT get into a relationship.

It is only once you feel that you do not care if you have somebody at your bedside or not, because you like the person your sleeping with (you), then and only then can you experience a HEALTHY relationship.

Don’t be a relation-sheep, make your own path, and be patient with the journey.

-Tinashe Hwande


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